'DEEPISH' THOUGHTS...

Yah, I've been thinking today. Maybe a little too much. I've been thinking how my children are growing up so fast. How my life is flying by, and sometimes I think I'm hanging on by the seat of my pants.

Am I a good mom? Did I teach my babies the way I wanted to? Have I done everything, or WILL I do everything I've hoped to accomplish before the Lord decides my life is done?

Do I have everything that I've ever truly wanted?

Some days I feel selfish. I wanna just take care of me & only me. Only those things that I've always wanted or hoped for... and forget about everyone else. Is that allowed?

Of course, I don't do it. I continue to be a mom. And I continue to be as selfless as I possibly can & give of myself every day to those who are most important.

I think I've failed a few too many times... Sometimes I feel like I (moms...) kindof get lost in the fog & wonder which direction we're really going. Actually, I've felt that way a lot lately. Maybe it's just the time of year. Anxious to leave the dark winter behind me & walk into the sunshine of spring for a breath of fresh air. I need a lot of it.

I always call my children my babies. They aren't really babies anymore. But they will always... always... always be my babies. One of my favorite Children's books is: "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. The part that means the most to me is...

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living, My baby you'll be."

Those words have a special place, in a deep little corner of my heart, for personal reasons that are just mine. BUT...

As I have rocked my 4 children to sleep over the years, I would just stare at their little faces. I still do. I'm ever so grateful every time that God trusted me to be their mom. Why me? Why did I deserve these perfect little spirits? They are my life, and I would do anything for them. But am I doing enough?

When I am old, & they are growing old... they will still be my babies. They will always be my babies.

I guess today, I just wanna be someone's baby. I wanna be rocked & held & comforted in my safe place. In my own little heaven. Do you ever feel homesick, even when you are at home? Today, this is me.

Maybe tonight as I sleep, I can dream about it & pretend.

And maybe the dreams will be real enough that tomorrow, I'll wake up, climb out of bed, & with a smile on my face, know that I am doing my best - for those that matter most.

It's worth the sacrifice. It's worth the tears. It's worth the wait. Because, as someone very close to me taught me... "This is not about me. It's about them." No matter how hard it gets, they are my life. It's all for my babies.

Maybe that was more of a journal entry than a blog entry, but it's here. Maybe it makes sense to no one but me. But, somehow I think it helped... just a little.